Wedding Dress Shopping anyone????

Yes, today is the day. We are going to do some wedding dress shopping for Elizabeth. Hard to believe (at least for me), but there it is.

Pray that I can open my mouth when necessary and keep it closed when necessary.

Thanks.

At this time in the morning...

At this time in the morning I should be....
Sleeping! Thats the main one. but if not here is a random listing of what else I could be doing...

1. Going on a long walk on a warm sunny beach

2. Playing Eleanor with KOZ kids at a retreat

3. Swimming

4. Reading such a fantastic book, that is impossible to put down

5. Hanging out with friends, talking late into the night

6. Waiting for the sun to rise in a speacial place with a special person

7. Working out

8. Talking on the phone with one of the amazing teens I hang out with

9. Creating something

10. Heading out to the airport to head out somewhere hot and beautiful

So that is what I should be doing. But instead I am here with you.

It is Good.

I wasn't sure if I should write anything, as I can see no one is reading, however, I thought I would.

We have been incredibly cold this winter. We have had warmth this winter. But, today is the first real snow of the winter. Yes, truly, on Christmas day. I woke up to a white wonderland and it was pretty to look at, but would it change our day plans?

Nope, we still went through with everything.

And truly it was a beautiful night (yesterday) and day (today).
Last night we had my parents and sister over for snacks and fellowship. A different view of Christmas then we've had before, but maybe, as my parents are getting older, this is a new tradition.

Once they left, honestly everyone was so tired ( at 9 pm) that they all went for a nap. Then it was up at 11pm for the gift exchange. Thoughtful and beautiful gifts and reactions for and from all. I think my favourite was when Marina presented her drawing of Liz and Jeff, to Liz and Jeff. They loved it. We loved it. It was good.

This morning was opening stockings (I know, we do it backwards but this has been our tradition for a long time). Again, awesome fun and as my wonderful husband decided to get creative again, a few unexpected gifts in the stockings.

At 11 am the girls, Jeff and I headed to my sisters. More fellowship, game playing (Apples to Apples) and food. Way to much food. Later in the day the rest of the family arrived and we had a great time sharing, playing, eating and all. The hardest part of the day would be when we went to leave and found the driveway and all the cars snowed in. It took some time to clear things up to leave, but we did and we all got home safely. (Thank you Lord).

So now I sit and reminisce and enjoy how the day was. and all I will say is It is good. It is good. It is good in my soul.
And I thank you Lord!

Blah, another whiny post

I really want to start being more positive here. And truthfully I have much to feel good and positive about.
A wonderful, amazing, patient husband
2 beautiful, smart, wise and insightful girls.
1 soon to be son in law, who is wonderful to my daughter.

I even got 3, count them, 3 slow dances at my husbands Christmas party this last Friday night. Usually I get 1 per year. ( He doesn't much like to dance).

However, that evening is at the crux of what and why I am feeling so out of sorts today. Starts with a teasing exchange with my stepson. Stealing of his hat with the encouragement of his wife. Ends with him taking my chair, and dropping it backwards onto the floor, with me on it (in a dress) legs up in the air. Hard to believe but true.
and this is prior to any drinking. I still break down when I think about it. Picture yourself on the floor, on your back in the middle of a full banquet room with your husbands co-workers staring.

NOT MY IDEA OF FUN!

And now we come to Christmas and I do not feel forgiveness, or cheer. There wasn't even an apology to go with this. Although his wife felt horrible and chastised him, insisting that he owed me a major apology. Nope. Nothing. I deserved what I got. I took his hat.

Am I wrong about this? Am I making too much of this? I just don't know anymore.

Stainedglassed masquerade

Have you ever heard that song. Casting Crowns. Today I was just listening to random music on my media player. This song comes up. It hits home so closely.
Lately, I am slipping downwards again. Painted grin plastered on, so that no one will know. but inside, I am torn open. The thought of going down this road again is scary. I know that the odds are not with me, but I don't want to fall apart again.
Do I let people see, what I really am, or rather am not.
Or do I continue to hide behind this curtain of normalacy. I know my husband is realizing that I am slipping again, but I still don't tell him.

Lord, I need your help. I need your hand to heal me. To heal my heart. To show me that I am not the only one that feels so small.

Why can't I...

Why can't I have a normal conversation with my daughter without having it blow up into an extreme arguement.
Why can't asking for chores to be done, be easier.
Why can't I just let things go.
Why do I always feel like such a failure.
Why do I feel the way I do, so tired, so bleak, so sad.
Why?